May 18, 2019

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Ahh, here I am! 33 days (and counting) without booze! So how do I feel? Good? Great? Proud? Satisfied? Worried? Unsure? Confused? Afraid? Hopeful?

I feel all of these things and so much more. The good news is that it’s Saturday morning, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I’m drinking coffee on a patio with my son happily playing next to me. AND I DON’T HAVE ONE OUNCE OF A HANGOVER OR REGRET. I’m not drinking my coffee to cure the pain that has ensued from last night. I’m drinking coffee because I love it. I even got up early and started an online course I bought MONTHS ago but haven’t touched (one of the many I’ve purchased over the past few years and never completed).

The last month has been easy and hard. Fun and boring. Lonely and confusing but oddly manageable.

Because managing life and your feelings without alcohol is difficult but not impossible. What is truly impossible is managing a life that operates around alcohol - the when, how, who, how much, the what if’s, the ooops’s and the inevitable fuuuuccckkks that come with a life immersed in booze - THAT LIFE is impossible to manage. Saying "no" to a friend or a drink or a craving isn’t easy, but it’s beginning to feel much easier than cleaning up the mess caused by alcohol.

I also feel pretty good these days. I’m finally getting my natural happiness and highs back. In moments of difficulty I’m learning to step outside of my head for a moment and look at the feelings I’m having. Acknowledging what and why things hurt in the moment, and then also telling myself THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And it does. Especially if I do things like write or run or nap or drink water or tell people the truth.

At the same time, I always continue to wonder about drinking again. Will I? Won’t I? Should I? Is forever a possibility? I don’t feel certain at the moment. I often wonder if I quit for a year will I feel like I deserve the right to try booze again because hey I stopped for a whole year right?

I don’t know at the moment. It feels too complicated to think about so I mostly try not to think about it. I do want to make sure I go at least 6 months without alcohol, preferably 1 full year, and if I’m lucky, open-minded, and do some work on myself - maybe I can spend the rest of my life without it.